I'm Sorry
by Wandervibes28
Summary: After the war, there's only one question running on repeat in Tony's mind, "How could he get everything back to how it was?", Chapter 7 NOW uploaded..."Tony?"...Stony...Part 1 of 'Thoughts Constrained' series...
1. Tribute to Tony Stark

**A/N**

Hey guys,

Guess what?

 _ **All my stories are gone.**_

My laptop had some weird malfunction and deleted all of my stories. Which means that everything I had planned for the future stories is gone. I had 14 different ones, which are all gone now. Sadly, that means that all the chapters I'll update will take time to be added to the stories.

I'm sorry to all of you who really want me to finish because I know how that feels. And I'll try my best to finish them as quickly as possible. The only thing I can suggest is to try and imagine the future scenarios until I post them.

But for all the new stories, well, I now have a fresh canvas.

...

Somehow, luckily, that means all of my boring stories will be replaced with new ideas and maybe...even _STONY?_

...

I can't assure you that, but I can say that my ideas for stories will not finish anytime soon, they'll just take longer to think, write and update.

 **ANYWAYS...**

That brings me to my main point.

 _ **TODAY IS TONY' STARKS BIRTHDAY**_ AND I REALLY WANTED TO GIVE SOME SORT OF TREAT OR TRIBUTE!

So, here's a little comment on me about Tony Stark and his role in the MCU.

Oh, and also a new story xD.

Thanks for bearing with me and my weirdly lovable computer.

Wandervibes28

* * *

I feel like Tony Stark has always been unappreciated in all of his movies in the MCU.

I mean, he's the one who does all the work. He creates things for the whole team, has to handle all the legal stuff, works constantly to make sure everyone's safe, provides basic living materials for the team, tries to bring everyone together and etc.

And even though he always tries, everyone always puts him down.

For example, in Civil War, Tony was trying to help Steve. He never wanted to hurt him, or anyone else in this situation. But as soon as he lands in a punch, his friends abandon him and he has to get through everything alone.

Also, many people say that he's weak and that he's nothing without the suit, but that's all **RUBBISH**.

 **Tony Stark _IS_ the suit.**

 **He's _better_ than the suit.**

He's the only superhero in the move (Along side Rhodey and a few others) who had to get away from his normal life and chose to take his time to help save the world.

He didn't have to do it, but he did.

And yet, he gets the blame and gets called names when in fact, he's gone through way more than what any of the other characters in the movie has.

Tony was betrayed by his family, survived a bombing and lived practically a quarter of his life with a hole in his chest. He suffered PTSD, got anxiety attacks, and yet continued to help save the world, even though he had so many problems of his own. He didn't tell anyone he had poisoning, struggled with trust issues, learned to open himself up and through all of that, he had nobody to talk to.

And that hurts so much, because everything he did in every movie was because of mistakes he made.

What he was trying to fix..

...

Like remember that scene in Infinity War where he's flying towards the flying circle ship and his boot thrusters turn into one super rocket thruster?

Well, that's because he didn't want anyone else to fall.

He wanted to be able to catch Peter or anyone else if they fell.

Because he couldn't catch Rhodey.

...

I could really go on and on and defend him, but I know that once people are able to see through the mask, and through all the sarcasm and jokes and humour...

...they would find someone who's constantly trying to be better...

Someone who was and is hurting all the time, but doesn't let that stop him. And that's why I think he's the strongest person in the MCU...

...

 **Not because he's nothing without the suit.**

 _ **But because he's everything without it.**_

Happy birthday Tony Stark.

I had a story written about your birthday, but I now have better stories planned.

* * *

 **A/N**

Let me know what you feel about him now in the review section. I'll be posting a new chapter as soon as possible.

Prepare for some heartbreak.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N**

Hey guys!

I'm actually _**REALLY**_ excited right now to be giving you this.

Because I've been planning it for a lot of time and a lot of thought has gone into this.

And plus, I honestly loved Infinity War (NOT THE ENDING OH GOD NO).

 _ **So here you go!**_

Chapter 1 of I'm Sorry!

Don't forget to review about anything you think I can improve or feedback for next chapters!

Wandervibes28

* * *

Tony fell onto the ground, the dust in his hands disintegrating away into the suddenly cold air as he desperately tried to grasp nothing. But no matter what he tried, what he thought…

It was over. He was….

Peter was… ** _gone_** …

The kid who was worried so much about him that he lied to the Iron Man and snuck onto a space ship heading to an alien planet to make sure he was okay.

The kid who worked with him every Friday night, helping with work and yet providing some sort of a family to him.

The kid who…..who died when he was just a tee-…..

Was-….gon-

And then suddenly the reality of the situation hit him as he sat up, face in terror and shock as he closed his eyes and just….let the emotions go. His chest rose and fell heavily as he breathed in shaking breaths. He sat down on the orange titan planet, his knees pulled up slightly as his hands raised up to his face. Trying to control the pain….

The ** _hurt_** …..

And in the first time in 20 years, he cried.

Silent tears fell down his face as he remembered the first time he met the kid. Germany. He had gone all the way with him to Europe, to fight with him. Peter never let him down, he was a great kid. For a few minutes Tony just sat there, hands on his face, eyes closed, rocking himself front and back as he wished there was something he could have done…

Something he **_should_** have done…

And he blamed himself…..

His thoughts wandered everywhere….From Peter, to earth, to his drastic-

-And suddenly he realised his drastic situation-

-That he was stranded on a barren planet-

-He had no way to go back to earth where he could actually get back-up-

-And Peter was dead-

-Strange was gone-

-And he was stabbed and would probably bleed out-

-And nobody down on earth will know what happened-

-Half the population would be gone-

-People would be devastated-

-Earth would be in chaos-

-And he didn't know where the Soul stone was-

-He could feel his breathing increasing-

-And oh god, he was suddenly shaking a bit-

-And Thanos had won and they had lost-

-And the planet he was on wa-

"-Get off the ground". A strong, firm, yet feminine voice brought his mind back from his thoughts as he turned his head to find a completely mechanical woman staring at him. He turned around, eyes watching the woman's eyes as she stared back at him, unemotionally. In fact, it didn't feel like anything.

And she was made of metal. Completely. She was mostly blue, but had some other colours too, few parts just plain metallic grey. Kind of looked like Dum-E to him.

But out of all the things, the most important part was that she was holding a knife, leaning on a rock and staring right at him.

Probably didn't mean a good thing.

He decided to play it safe. Considering all the things he had just thought before.

"And stop being afraid like a child. You will be of no use to defeat Thanos otherwise." The woman called out again, continuing to dance the knife around her hand, while suddenly Tony realised what had happened.

A panic attack.

His eyebrows fused together. He thought he'd fixed that.

He hadn't had one since nearly 10 years now, he had found a way to get rid of it. But then, why was it back? He could notice that his body was tense as he exhaled a large breath and suddenly relaxed into a sitting position onto the floor. The woman just watched him carefully, yet without any glaring as her eyes flicked with every move he made.

Once he was back in his normal state, he, being Tony, decided to ask questions which sounded more in his style:

"Who the hell are you?" he screamed out, his voice echoing in the air, fading away on it's own in a few seconds and shaky. God, he hated it when his voice was shaky. Why the hell was his voice shak-

His thoughts went back as he watched the woman suddenly stop twirling the knife in her hand, her eyes suddenly turning into the glare.

Oh shit, she had emotions.

And shit, what had he done? He had just been stabbed, did he really want to be stabbed again?

Tony's eyes tracked her hand as she walked from the rock towards him. His hands instantly formed into fists in case it came to last resorts, and his body suddenly becoming rigid in case of a fight.

He had done this before. He could probably land in a few punches and make a run for it. He could also be beaten up….but he would prefer to run any day.

After that? Well….he could figure that out. He was a genius….To some extent-

Focusing on the situation at hand, his eyes flicked from her knife, which she grasped firmly in her hand as he walked the last few feet to where he was now laying down on, propped up against his elbows.

Tony shifted himself a few feet back, the woman staring right at him, the knife in her hands being held tighter as he raised up her hand. The genius realised he didn't have time.

He had to act.

He got ready, he could swipe the woman off her feet, he just had to keep her distracted and she would fall right into his trap.

The woman raised her knife. Right before sh-

Tony got ready, legs bending down and placed, ready to strike.

He could do this.

He just had to focus.

Focus an-

-e placed the knife back in her pocket and held out a…hand?

-d….what had just happened? Was the woman giving a han-

"-I'm Nebula. I did not like the tone but I understand what you are going through. Thanos killed my sister, Gamora." The woman, now called Nebula, spoke out as she extended her blue and grey hand to Tony, whose eyes flickered between her eyes and her hands for a few seconds.

What….?

Tony didn't know what to do.

Could he trust this person? A random person on a planet who was practically a robot? How could he know she wasn't lying? What was even going on?

But he figured out the situation and narrowed his thoughts down. He couldn't trust her. Simple.

Yet then again, he had trusted a man who had showed up in a magic portal while he was walking in the park. This was a walk in the park. And it wasn't like he had a lot of other choices either. Sadly, he didn't know how to fly an spaceship.

And also, she said Thanos had killed her sister. That meant she had also lost something.

Someone had also lost-…

Hesitating for a second, the mechanic took a deep breath, before he extended his hand to hold on to hers. Combining their forces together, yet not really, Nebula pulled Tony off the ground, steadying him as he stood up, one of his hands instantly coming up to block the wound which was now dripping blood onto the tangerine ground.

Tony watched for a second as a drop fell onto his other hand and formed a sort of an orange circle shape….

He quickly brushed it off on his pants.

Tony stood up and for a few minutes they were both lost in their own thoughts before Nebula abruptly brought them out of it by asking, "Was he your son?".

And then the thoughts came back again…

Tony looked up at her eyes. He felt his emotions rising again, the tightening of his chest, his inability to breath as he wanted to just wallow in his sadness about what had happened and blame himself about Pete-

Instead, he took in a deep breath, shook his head and replied back, sincerely, in order to avoid any other emotions. He hated emotions at this point: "No. A friend.".

No more words were exchanged as he nodded, staring at her feet for a second as they both stood on the ruins of a moon on the planet.

And despite the fact that there were no words or the fact that he had just gotten to know her and she was a random stranger, Tony noticed that.

Noticed it…

She was struggling too.

He had always avoided hard questions or realities too, by ignoring the situation, trying to throw away emotions by thinking he didn't have any. And he knew how lonely that felt. He wanted to say something to try and help, but from experience, he knew that he needed the quietness when he was down in the ditches too.

So he didn't say anything….And neither did she.

Instead, she broke her train of thoughts as she grabbed his arm around her neck, her hand supporting his back as they started to move towards the abandoned 'Guardians' ship.

* * *

 **A/N**

 _ **OK YES,**_

I did need you to pretend a few things here:

\- That Tony didn't know about Nebula at all.

\- That Tony didn't know whether Nebula was actually on his side.

\- And that the spaceship was the 'Guardians' spaceship.

But I hope you liked the story so far!

I have quite a few chapters coming up, focusing on Tony's POV thoughts after the whole Infinity war drama.

AND YES,

He also reaches back to _WAKANDA_...and meets _Steve_...

And yes, I also bring back some certain _problems_ that he had in the past. Take a guess.

Until the next chapter, _**Please review**_ :)

Wandervibes28

 **P.S** Also do let me know if there's any mistakes I made. I kind of posted this in a rush, and I want it to not have mistakes. Thanks!


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N**

Chapter 2 is here for you.

Yup, it's not very long, just something I kind of wrote in a hurry to let you guys think about the more interesting stuff which will happen later.

Will Tony meet Steve?

Will they fight? Will they become friends?

What will happen?

Read to find out :D.

 **And also REVIEWS PLEASEEE for more chapters!**

Wandervibes28

* * *

Time flew by.

Right after getting onto the ship, Nebula entered the co-ordinates for Earth. However, she explained that she would only be dropping him off there, as she had some work on planets nearby that she couldn't explain. Something regarding Thanos and Black Order or something.

Tony didn't argue. He couldn't, actually.

His wound was still open, and he had tried to slow down the bleeding by holding some random t-shirts in the back of the ship against it. But that didn't stop it, and so Tony gave up and simply decided to let it bleed. Not like he had a choice.

But Tony was tired. Very, very tired.

So Nebula, knowing that Doctor Strange had kept him alive for some reason and knowing that he was important, moved a nearby bench for him to lie down on, right next to the cockpit where she was driving the ship. She couldn't do anything, neither slow down Tony's bleeding or speed up the ship.

The autopilot had broken off and so had the supposedly light-warp speed.

So they spent 3 days inside the ship, not really talking but rather focusing on their own thoughts.

Tony kept laying down, eating whatever Nebula handed him, and kept on ignoring the pain. Pushing it deep down inside whatever was left of his brain to think instead about-

About Peter.

About Pepper.

And more importantly, now that he had suddenly realised.

About Steve.

They hadn't talked since the Accords, and he hadn't called either. And now, he was heading straight towards him and his jolly great team, who Steve had punched and ditched Tony in Siberia for. He shuddered at the thought, not wanting to think about how the reunion would go, knowing that it wouldn't be how he had imagined it to be several weeks after their fight.

But then realised that he hadn't because of the thought.

He didn't have much time.

Nebula must have noticed it too, because she turned behind and simply said, "Do not think about it". Then, she turned her gaze towards the vast darkness of open space and shimmering stars and said, "We are nearly there".

All Tony could do was nod and close his eyes, letting sleep take over the very little energy he had left against it.

* * *

 **A/N**

The more reviews, the better the stories, the more the chapters.

Please REVIEW and let me know how you find the story!

Wandervibes28


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N**

Chapter 3 is here my friends.

I tried to make it longer and hopefully you guys like it. I'll try and post a few more in the coming week.

 _ **Don't forget to review!**_

Wandervibes28

* * *

 ** _Darkness._**

 ** _Light._**

 ** _Orange._**

 ** _Thanos._**

 ** _Gauntlet._**

 ** _Avengers._**

 ** _Peter._**

 _Hand._

 _Hand?_

 _Blue Hand?_

Tony's eyes fluttered open a few times as the sounds whirred back into life, his head lifting up slightly from his shoulders. The engine. Earth. Nebula. The Avengers. Steve. Yet the voice was still talking gibberish and his head was numb and he couldn't understand anything.

He didn't really want to wake up. He didn't want to think. Sleeping was nice. Sleeping was good. He wanted to sleep again, because right now, everything was hurting and he just was so tired.

And to be honest the bench was not the best thing in the world, but for him and his drastically tired condition, he found it rather comfortable. Very comfortable-

"Whaaa-" he managed to grumble out as hands grabbed hold of him from both sides and shook him front and back.

His head was already spinning, why the hell was Nebula doing this?

"WHOA-" Tony started to raise his volume just before he managed to squint his eyes open to see Nebula talking, her face as impassive as it was before.

And then suddenly, his hearing started to merge into reality.

"-so alive then. We're here Stark. Get yourself together. You have to get off the ship."

Oh.

Tony shook his head as he suddenly realised what that meant. He had to meet everyone again. Bruce, Natasha, Thor, and Steve. He would have to talk to Steve. After that two-faced liar didn't tell that his precious little one-armed friend had killed his-…..

In a second it was like all the pain had been numbed away and he felt absolutely nothing.

The wound's bleeding seemed to slow down and his head suddenly stopped pounding like a bear in a cage. Shaking his head a few times, he used the remaining time to take deep breaths, stand up straight and appear as normal as possible.

He must have been, because Nebula removed her hands and stood for a second before she walked over to the door and waited.

Hesitated.

Had they already landed? He pushed the thought aside to focus on the blue woman in front of her.

He knew they had gotten a bit attached over the days they'd been together. They had both lost something, and both found a bit of comfort in each other's presence during their hardships. It was like he had gained a sort of older sister in 3 days. He didn't really know how she even liked him, considering the fact that nobody did, but he decided not to press on the matter.

"What're you waiting for?" Tony managed to smirk out. He saw Nebula rolling her eyes as she simply walked over to the bay door and pressed the big red button.

He chuckled for a minute before his mind remembered what lay behind the door.

Tony took a deep breath.

He had to do this.

He had to.

Time seemed to slow down, as the door slowly shifted down lower and lower as suddenly the scenery came into place. And Tony couldn't help but notice all the details.

The woods on the right and left, like as if he was standing on the edge of the forest. The hills in the front, looked like they had been beautifully carved, like something right out of a cliche story book. A castle in the background, yet way too technologically advanced and modern for a story book's time or even their time perhaps from the look of it-

He must have been in Wakanda.

Wait, how had Nebula known the team was in-

Oh right, he had told her. Oh god, was he forgetting stuff already-

He focused back onto what was being revealed, the door nearly halfway open now. He could see the grass and multiple feet starting to appear. And he thought he could do it, muster up whatever courage he had left in him to face his team and tell them off.

But suddenly, he couldn't do it.

Shifting his gaze abruptly from the scenery that lay before his eyes and the half open door, he turned around, walking towards the cockpit and gently laying his hands on the seat.

He couldn't do it.

They were his family, the Avengers. And they had broken apart. Broken him apart too. He had trusted them. He had opened himself up. He had done everything in his power to keep them safe and to not break them apart. He had even tried everything to get them back together. Instead, the only person who returned honestly was his friend was Bruce. But even he left him after the Ultron Incident. Rhodey was there, thank god for that. But the only other person who actually did was Pete-

He couldn't trust them.

He couldn't trust anyone.

He would always have to go through everything alone.

Soft yet strong footsteps walked right towards him and Tony didn't even have to look up to know it was Nebula. She had gotten a habit of following him around everywhere.

He could still hear the door opening, and could feel Nebula lifting her hand and placing it on his right shoulder as he faced the cockpit, finally being able to see into the deep, dark woods which lay before him.

Tony got mesmerised by the view, wanting to focus on anything but the reality which was going to face him. But even though he tried to distract himself, he wasn't able to ignore the sounds.

For a few seconds, the 'thud' of the bay door being dropped completely filled the air, echoing through the ship and silencing both the members inside of it.

Nobody spoke. Nobody said a word. There was just pure silence. Filling Tony and Nebula's ears as they simply waited. Not expecting anything to happen.

Tony closed his eyes.

He knew what was going to happen. He had always known what was going to happen.

He had imagined a thousand different scenarios that the situation could go. He had planned what he'd do and say in every single one. He had planned it all out.

And yet he couldn't go with the plan.

"Tony?" A voice behind him boomed with utter relief and concern, seemingly harmless and innocent and completely lacing in exhaustion and yet hope as the mechanic suddenly turned around face-to-face with-

…

-Steve. Holding up a shield, clearly in a defensive position, but relaxing once finding Tony was in the ship.

Oh hell no.

* * *

 **A/N**

Yup. I just did that.

Your welcome Stony fans, I have some real drama coming up.

 _ **Please please please review! Thanks a lot xD**_

I just really love all my readers and I would love to hear feedback or ideas or any comments. They can even be negative! Just please review!

Wandervibes28


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N**

Hey guys,

 _ **Thanks a lot for the new reviews. They really motivated me to finish more chapters :D**_

Anyways, here is Chapter 4.

THE ONE YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. Tony meeting Steve.

And yes, this may not be very OTP, but this is my viewpoint of their situation right now.

 _ **Hope you like it, and don't forget to REVIEW**_!

Wandervibes28

* * *

"Tony?".

Steve couldn't believe it.

Tony was alive.

He thought he was dead. They all did. They weren't there with him because he was the only one out on patrol with the Wakandan army when Tony just-

But there he was.

Even though his back was faced towards them and there was a strange looking blue woman standing right next to him, he was able to make out it was him from his hair, the jacket he loved to wear, and just that overall… _Tony_ ….

He was there. He was alive.

And oh god, Steve couldn't be more relieved. Happier.

Just glad.

He could even feel himself becoming less tense and his whole body just filling with relief and happiness as his face relaxed and his eyes softened into joy and concern.

Tony was alive, and clearly safe.

More importantly, he was turning right towards him-

Suddenly, Steve realised what an awkward situation they had right now. They hadn't talked since the Accords, and now they were going to have to face each other and fight together as a team against Thanos. He had lied to him, betrayed him for his best friend, and hadn't even been brave enough to let him know he was sorry in person.

Because he was.

He really was.

Even though he knew what he did was right, he never thought about what all Tony had to go through alone. He was so sorry he never got to say it that he had been thinking about how he would say it to Tony for weeks.

Months. Years.

He had been watching all the things Tony had done on TV, but whenever he had tried to contact Vision or F.R.I.D.A.Y to check on him, they said they couldn't tell him anything.

Tony had been constantly working on himself, working on being better, but Steve knew that all of that was just to distract himself. He had always thrown himself into-

But as the moment came, he quickly pulled himself out of this thoughts, just in time to lock his eyes with the genius.

Brown eyes locked with blue and even though Steve was able to see him in shock and slight confusion…

Oh god, Steve was so happy he was alive.

He had lost Bucky, Sam, and just…He was just so…..he had missed Tony…

God, he had missed him, the Avengers, the team, so so much.

Tony was staring right back at him and Steve instantly lowered his shield and stood back in his normal stance as he just continued to stare back into the brown eyes which were still staring back.

He was so relieved, he wanted to let him know. He didn't know how.

He didn't know if he ever could.

Steve watched as Tony walked down the ramp, right up close to him and he thought maybe the genius was happy to see him. A smile of relief making it's way on his face as he started to tell how sorry he was, how worried he had been, right befor-

"Oh Tony, Thank god you're oka-"

Well, started to say before being interrupted by a large punc-

He stumbled back, his hand going up to his cheek where the man had socked him right across the face. He could feel his cheek slowly reddening up as he looked back at Tony. Drawing his hand back from his face, he found some blood, but he felt nothing major. Steve was ready to question him but stopped halfway when he saw him.

And what he saw…he didn't know how to explain or even comprehend…

Tony had tears in his eyes.

Steve stood there, flabbergasted, the pain suddenly subsiding as he removed his hand from his cheek and returned back from his hunched stance and simply stood there, staring at the genius who didn't even remove his gaze from his once.

Tony simply stared at him, tears in his eyes as he looked at him with pure anger, frustration, pain and just…..hurt…

He didn't know what to say, Tony never showed…his hurt. In all the years he knew the genius, never once….god, never once had he seen him like this.

So, he just stood there like an idiot, not knowing how to solve the problem but wishing he could as he started to talk. Walking closer to Tony, he tried to tell him what he had meaning to say in years, "Tony, I'm sorr-".

But just before he could even reach 5 feet away from him, Tony's gaze shifted away, and Steve watched as he suddenly grasped his abdomen.

He was confused. Why was he-

And that was the moment he saw it.

The jacket was a deep, dark black. Clearly blacker than the rest of the jacket. And it was dripping…..dripping blood…

Tony was bleeding.

A lot.

And there was blood on his hands.

And suddenly his question got answered, the blood on his hand wasn't because of the punch-

"Tony!" Steve managed to call out at exactly the same time as Tony fell onto his knees, his right hand falling down to steady himself as the other wrapped instantly around his wound, trying to hold down the bleeding.

Steve managed to catch the man in time before he-

* * *

Tony turned around to see Steve.

For a second, just a split second, he was relieved.

Just glad because it had hurt so much. The years of thinking over everything that happened just washed away by one second of….being able to see him. One of his friends…All there like the old times. When nothing was wrong.

When they were actually a team.

Because everything was just so wrong and he had-…..He had missed him and he didn't know how to say it.

He had missed everything.

The team. Steve. Bruce. Natasha. Thor and his gigantic head. Even though he was so angry and just wanted to blast everyone off, he had missed all of it….every single thing. But just before he could, all the thoughts came running back to his head:

The Accords, Bucky, The winter solider, His parents, The lies he had told him, The Avengers broken apart like a stupid toy, The betrayal, The abandonment, The guilt…

And suddenly it was like as if all the anger inside of him just reacted and he just acted and before he knew it-

 _THUD_ ….

He had acted. He looked up, his whole body freezing for a second as he saw Steve stumble back.

Oh god, he had punched him. He had punched him.

But then the thoughts turned to emotions.

Steve had deserved it. There was a voice inside his head saying he didn't, but he pushed it aside. They all deserved it. He deserved better. Did he?

He wanted Peter back. Pepper.

He wanted to have a family again, some true friends. He didn't want liars to be with him. He wanted peace. God, he wanted to just escape from everything so bad and go back in time to when he had never met them and-

All the emotions inside of him, kept held in for so long. For nearly 40 years of his life. For so much, just came out suddenly….

….-and his eyes started to water up.

God, he was embarrassed.

His eyes were tearing up in front of his team's captain, but at this point he didn't care.

He had tried so hard…. _so_ hard for everything. To keep them together. To make things work. To be friends. To not break things apart. To open himself up. To care. To be better. To be a family.

To not let them die.

He had tried so hard…he was just so tired all the time….

Tony didn't know what he wanted, he just knew that he suddenly hated everything and that the anger inside of him wouldn't burn out for a long time and that-

-that he was bleeding faster now? Oh god, what was on his hands, dripping down? And was that blurry thing someone running towards him? Or was the world just spinning really…really….-

-oh shit, he didn't have…..time….-

Suddenly, he felt really sleepy and just so tired, so instead of trying to face it and being strong, he succumbed into slumber, letting the darkness take over his pathetic reality that he would eventually have to face.

* * *

 **A/N**

 ** _Review for more chapters._**

It really helps me write better because I _really appreciate every single one of my readers_ :)

Also _yes_ , I did try two different POV's of the same thing. Let me know whether I should continue that in the next chapters or not.

I'm kind of testing the waters here xD.

Anyways, hope you like the story so far. If you didn't, let me know in the review section or PM me, I'll try and improve my writing.

Wandervibes28

P.S - This story is probably going to be long, so you may want to follow my story to read as soon as I update!


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N**

 **Hey guys!**

I know I know, it took _**really**_ long.

But in my defence this one's a _**really**_ long chapter. So hopefully you'll forgive me :)

Plus I was on vacation, so I couldn't really get my thoughts together and on a doc when I was distracted by night lights and awesome dinners.

 ** _ANYWAYS..._**

CHAPTER 5 IS HERE. I've gotten some nice reviews in the last few chapters so I hope I'll get more positive feedback than I expect.

 _ **PLEASE REVIEW FOR MORE CHAPTER :)**_

Wandervibes28

 _ **P.S**_ Plus, I did a lot of research (Yeah, I'm not a great STONY fan, so I had to learn about it) to get the perfect STONY relationship that people have constantly been asking me for. So here you go! Hope you like my POV on their OTP, and hope you guys think it's actually a decent job on their story.

 _ **P.P.S**_ Please let me know in the reviews if you liked the STONY pairing or not :)

* * *

"Steve. Steve, wake up", Natasha called out and Steve grumbled awake as he straightened up in the sofa of the main living room.

Stretching for a second, he blinked his eyes a few times before opening them properly and looking up to see the redhead.

"What's the matter?" he coughed out before clearing his throat, wanting yet not wanting to hear the reply. Yesterday had been a tiring and emotional day. He decided to look outside first. He took a quick glance outside at the view of the battlefield, memories striking instantly but ignored them to figure out the time of the day instead.

It was dark, and the half-present moon hung in the sky, yet not at it's brightest as the stars around it were brighter. Illuminating their light on his face, he squinted and pushed his elbows on the couch to sit up straight and rub his eyes.

So probably after mid-night then.

His thoughts were interrupted by a single sentence which caused him to look up instantly:

"I think I heard something crashing".

He didn't need to hear anything else as he took a deep breath for a second, staring at his shoes before he stood up, various scenarios rushing into his head as he told her to sleep and that he would handle it.

And so as she walked down the hallway to her room, knowing that he would handle the situation and probably too tired and emotionally exhausted to even care enough, Steve walked out, looking for what had happened.

* * *

 ** _Darkness. Titan._**

 ** _Thanos. Doctor Strange. Peter Quill._**

 ** _"She's a kid!"_**

 ** _Peter._**

 ** _"I could do this all day…"_**

 ** _Pete._**

 ** _"GIVE ME A BREAK!"_**

 ** _"I don't wanna go …Please..Please, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go…"._**

 ** _Fading._**

 ** _"I'm not the one who has to watch their back."_**

 ** _Crumbling. In his arms._**

 ** _"I'm doing what has to be done….To stave off something worse."_**

 ** _He was gone._**

 ** _"I just finally know what to do…and I know in my heart, that it's right."_**

 ** _He was-…._**

 ** _"I'm sorry…"_**

 ** _-Gone._**

 ** _"Keep telling yourself that…."_**

 ** _All Gon-_**

"NO!" Tony's voice echoed in the room and stung his own ears as he jumped upright, realising that it was just a dream.

He was breathing rapidly, he realised as he started to take deep breaths, and used his right hand to wipe the sweat on his forehead before cradling his left arm.

The room was dark and only the moonlight shone through the curtains onto the covers which he had thrown back. And where the hell was he? Some sort of hospital? His eyebrows relaxed back into their normal position as he looked out of the window into the night sky to see the fields where he had landed with Nebula. It suddenly made sense, as all the things that had happened rushed back into his brain.

Turning his head to look at the landing space, he found it only as natural as nature was. He also found himself pouting at the missing ship, the empty field greeting his eyes right before the forest started.

Apparently he missed Nebula. Besides, she had work to finish, like she had said.

But he focused his attention on other facts.

Wakanda. Nebula. Ship. Peter. Pepper. The Team…..Steve….

His thoughts got distracted again.

He was clearly on a bed. Someone had put him there. He didn't remember when or what had happened before. All he knew was that he was somewhere and on a bed. He decided to guess.

Med-bay.

Wakanda Med-bay was probably where he was. Well, judging by the whiteness of the room somehow dim in the illuminating light of the moonlight which shone on his face, which he had to squint to make out. And also because he could clearly see he was in Wakanda by the forest which he had remembered from yesterday and also from the tight bandage he felt wrapped around his abdomen.

Yet it practically looked like a guest room. Hold up, or maybe he was in a guest room.

And maybe the walls weren't white.

God, his head was hurting like shit and he was clearly not seeing well.

Sighing in relief, Tony took the time to relax back into the pillows which he could feel on his back and rubbed his face with his hands. Just trying to forget everything.

God, he just wanted to forget everything.

He decided he needed to wake up properly. He couldn't go back to the dream again.

He just…couldn't.

He looked down at the alarm clock which was placed conveniently on the black bedside table beside him.

1:25 am.

Mid-night… _ish_ then.

Getting up from the bed, the genius planted his feet on the floor before making his way to the door which he presumed to be the bathroom. His head was pounding, but he still double-checked to make sure whether the door was indeed the bathroom by opening the door slightly. He peeked his head in to find a sink, a shower and a toilet.

A bathroom then.

So a guest room.

Shaking his head at the constant pain, he opened the door and walked inside to the sink, closing the door gently behind him but not locking it.

He was just washing his face. Nothing more.

He walked over to the sink and turned the very sleek, metallic yet fancy faucet on as he let the cold water rush down. Holding his shaky hands in a cup, he filled the water in his hands and simply washed his face, knowing that he probably looked really bad right now.

He knew that from past hospital experiences.

He had been in them way too many times. So many in fact, that Pepper had one room reserved in every hospital in the US, for him in case he needed it, unless of course someone else needed it, in which case they would give it to someone else. He had argued many times that it was stupid but every time she replied with: "And your health isn't?". So he didn't even try to argue with her on that.

Pepper always won. So what was the point of even arguing? Plus, she was scary some times. Most of the times. Good scary. Mostly.

And now…she was gone. He couldn't help but feel guilty that she was gone.

Like Pete-

-Turning the faucet off with his left hand while shaking his head to get rid of this horrible chain of thoughts, his right hand reached to the right to grab a soft white towel which he used to wipe the blood, water and dust mixture off his face. He threw it into a basket nearby, presumably kept for that exact purpose, cringing at the pain which rose through his body with that action.

Then, he looked up.

Tony looked at the reflection in front of him.

He had bags under his eyes and his hair was all disheveled. His beard, luckily, hadn't grown and was still in shape but his face was filled with cuts and bruises and was just a complete mess of colours.

But what caught his attention was the dark circles underneath his eyes.

He was having nightmares again.

That was bad. Very very bad. That meant he was seeing something bad. Something horrible. Tony had always been having nightmares after the whole 'Ultron' incident, when he was fighting the Mandarin. That was one of the reasons Pepper was on and off with him.

He was broken.

Literally and figuratively.

He had way too many scars. So many that he had never went swimming in any of his private pools. He always wore a T-shirt which covered the arc reactor because he couldn't handle anyone else touching it. He couldn't sleep at night because of the nightmares, the flashbacks, the visions. He probably had PTSD and even started to get anxiety attacks. He couldn't express his emotions even if he tried.

He was like a broken toy trying to fix it's pieces together.

And honestly, he was embarrassed.

How could **_THE_** 'Iron Man' get a freaking anxiety attack just cause some kid in a restaurant mentioned the wormhole in New York? The same thing happened when he was trying to figure out the 'Mandarin' case with Harley.

It was disappointing.

And frankly? _Very_ embarrassing.

But when he joined the Avengers, he was able to find other people who had the same problems as him. And it turns out, it wasn't something to be completely embarrassed about. Steve couldn't sleep either. Natasha had emotional problems. Clint preferred to always wear a T-shirt. Bruce had flashbacks too. And Thor was also hurting because of the past.

He found a sense of comfort in their presence, and soon his entire routine started to shape around theirs. They started living in his tower with him, and he found himself being around them more and more. He found himself working hard to make each of their armour upgrades better and stronger, and found that they cared for him.

And they…they became his family.

He had trusted them.

Yet he clearly hadn't.

The Accords. He couldn't even tell them straight up about Thanos. About what he had seen, what he was trying to prevent. He couldn't even start to explain what he'd been seeing, how he had _t **ried** …. _

How he had tried to stop what had happened just now. How he'd seen everyone _die_. _How he knew something was coming_.

But he had trusted them.

And they-they had broken.

Broken away. Whatever was left of the team and his _trust_. Discarded their friendship and threw it in the ditch.

Didn't even try to _understand_ ….why…. ** _why_** he had done all that….

 ** _Why_** he hadn't told them about Ultron.

 ** _Why_** he kept Wanda confined.

 ** _Why_** he had signed without the rest.

 ** _Why_** he hadn't killed Steve and Bucky off when he had the chance.

He couldn't tell _why_ he had done it….because of everything that was happening now. **_Had_ **happened.

Because of Thanos and his goddamn army and-

-God, he wanted it back so much. So much, but he couldn't.

The Avengers were gone. They were gone nearly 3 years ago, but it was okay to make a start somewhere.

He would avoid them. He had too.

After all that had happened, after them treating him like utter _shit,_ not even bothering to care about his health or even _acknowledge_ that he was a human too who made mistakes and had feelings and needed to sometimes talk to someone, and focusing on their own problems and blaming him for every single mistake he or the team made-….he couldn't face them.

He had to ignore them, that was the only way.

But he also couldn't face Thanos.

And now, because of him, people were dead.

Because he didn't try harder. Because he couldn't do enough. Because he had put himself above the people's needs. Above people who died in every single goddamn fight, people who had families….. _lives_ …. ** _children_**.

Every time they died, the blame was put on them. Which was okay for people like Steve and Clint but Tony-…

-He took every single death as a mistake on his part…

A fault he wasn't able to fix on time. Something that he could have prevented. Something he **_should_** have been able to save.

Because he had the power to help those people….and if they _died_ ….

…..then he was doing something wrong.

He had **_tried,_** tried so hard to help, but he was never able to help.

He had tried to fend off enemies, repair damages with his own personal accounts, fund charities, mend their social image, and just try and make everything back to how it…. _was_.

But it never did. It never _could_.

And now, he was in a Wakandan med-bay, trying to escape from the Avengers who had made this their hide-out since nearly 4 years ago and-

-Tony had tried to escape so many times. To just get away and forget reality. But no matter what, he always came back to the problem. Back to reality. He couldn't escape by taking vacations, running away, sleeping, eating, working- ** _NOTHING_** …He couldn't ever get away from his problems which kept him awake at night and made him conscious of his every action. He couldn't ever get people who actually understood _his_ problems and he couldn't ever think about _himself_ because 'everything wasn't about him'. And he just wanted to forget everything and forget whatever happened but he couldn't and his mind was nothing but a mess and collection of anger and betrayal and-

"AHHHH!" He screamed out in utter frustration suddenly as his hand flew forward and struck the mirror, the bathroom's silence suddenly being interrupted by a scream which froze halfway, the room echoing the emitted sound.

And for a second, just a split second like as if time froze for just a split second, there was pure silence, where everything was the same and Tony pulled his hand back slightly to realise what he had done.

His breathing seemed to remain normal as he felt everything freezing for a second. But then moment ended…and the glass came shattering down, small shards spilling everywhere.

In the sink.

On the floor.

In the basket.

On his hands. But he didn't care.

All he could do was look up again in terror. And there was his reflection. Only half there, shards half there and dark, grudging black spaces left in his reflection, and devilish as the broken mirror reflected back a person who looked nothing like Tony…

….

…And yet _everything_ like **_him_** ….

Tony stood there, frozen, eyes wide as he looked straight at himself.

Before he turned around and marched right back into his room.

He left the lights on, the glass on the floor, slamming the door behind him, and instead walked back into his assigned bed and laid down his head on the soft pillows beneath, pulling up his comforter back all the way up as he tried to relax into the mattress.

He had no thoughts as he tilted to his left side and watched the scenery outside through the larger-than-life sized glass windows which were placed from the floor to the ceiling, revealing the rolling hills and the dark forest in the distance.

The half moon hung in the sky, the stars outshining it's luminance as it simply stood there. Cloud wisps moved around the sky, dimming the moonlight sometimes as it stayed there, a constant yet varying level of radiance in the sky which was all dark.

A contradiction.

Tony simply watched the stars brighten and dim as the light travelled towards him from a million billion light years away, filling his eyes with the starlight which had always fascinated him throughout his life.

But as he looked up at the sky today, he couldn't smile.

All he could do was curl up in a ball under the blankets, dig his face into a pillow and cry.

* * *

Steve stood outside Tony's door, breathing heavily as he contemplated his decision to check on the genius.

He didn't know what had happened, because he had gone checking around for a crash and nothing was there. So he had decided to leave back to his couch until he felt the urge to check on Tony.

He had been standing there for nearly 30 minutes, his mind constantly changing his choice as he hesitated to make a decision. Well, he knew he was being silly.

Tony was a grown man, and excluding his time-travel past, he was older than him. He knew how to care for himself, and he knew when to ask for help.

Did he?

Steve shook the thought away as he tried to clear his mind of all the thoughts, but they kept flooding in.

Even though Tony was a grown man, Steve always felt the need to check on him. Make sure he was doing okay. That he was fine. Probably because of a few incidents they had when they were still a tea-

Tony had been kidnapped once after the team hadn't checked on him in a week, because they wanted to ransom him to S.H.I.E.L.D. But of course, Tony managed to escape right in time when the team was coming to rescue him. He had broken his left arm, a few ribs and had gotten a really bad concussion. He took quite some time to recover, even though he tried to act like it wasn't a problem, they all could see it had taken a toll on him. That was probably one of the reasons why.

Another reason was also that Tony had problems. And a lot of them.

He tried to hide them, but the whole team knew.

Tony had PTSD.

They had figured it out when he had fallen asleep during Movie night and had suddenly woken up, shouting out some unrecognisable name, before running away to his own private floor to hide away from the situation. Steve instantly knew that was PTSD, so did Bruce, who instantly followed him and reported the situation when Tony had fallen asleep calmly.

Steve knew how bad PTSD was, because he'd seen so many people have it during the war. Soldiers used to wake up in the night, screaming out vivid details of horrors that nobody had ever heard of before, some sort of reality fuelled by the imagination of fear.

And the fact that _Tony_ had it? They all had been on the watch since then.

They also knew he had anxiety attacks.

It happened once in a fight.

Clint had gotten shot with Tony's repulser technology by some idiot who had managed to steal it from somewhere. And so, Tony was fine, blasting the bad guys off. But he only broke down when there was no danger. Out of the blue, he landed harshly and everyone thought he had crashed so they all had ran to him. But when they reached, he was on his knees, one hand on the floor and the other on his chest as he started to hyperventilate, started to shout out questions.

Thank god Bruce had been there. He had managed to calm him down in time before the press came in.

And ever since those two events, Tony seemed to be slipping away.

Well, yes, at first they just presumed it was because he was ashamed or maybe embarrassed, so they didn't push it.

But then it got more and more concerning. He was there during Movie nights and helped make breakfast when it was his turn….But Steve could feel that there was something bigger going on in the picture.

They all could.

He had stopped hanging out that much, had stopped communicating his emotions. He only came out of his lab when he needed too. Half of the time he was in his own world, the team having to snap him out of his thoughts. He quickly disregarded any personal questions with sarcasm and tried to lighten the mood with horrible jokes.

But Steve knew something was wrong. He couldn't help but feel it in the pit of his stomach.

He just wished he had asked. Because he hadn't.

And now, he was standing outside the man's assigned bedroom, not even brave enough to push away his thoughts and go in there and just…be _him_.

Be **_Steve_**.

Not Captain America. Not the Nomad.

He honestly couldn't tell the difference now days, but he had to do it. He didn't know what he would say or do, but he decided to just go with the flow.

He had to do it.

And he did.

Taking a deep breath, he placed his hands on the door before slightly pushing the door open. A sliver of dimly light yellow light shone across the room, right across Tony's hand, which Steve could clearly make out in the dark because of the ring.

Tony was engaged to Pepper. _Was._

He had asked her in front of a room full of press. Steve remembered watching it on T.V. Pepper had never looked happier in her life than that day. Tony had smiled the whole time, with the loud screams and clapping of the press in the background.

Steve was relieved that Tony was happy. He remembered watching Tony's past years on the T.V.

He couldn't reach out to Tony, not without risking revealing his location and putting Tony in danger, so he kept an eye on him through any social media he could get his hands on. T.V, Magazines, Video streaming, anything and everything to just make sure that Tony was okay physically.

He couldn't help the other part. He wished he had.

He remembered how he hadn't ever let his phone slip away, just in case… _he_ called him. He had assigned it a pocket in all of his clothes so that he could always have it with him.

Always _hoping_ that he would call him. But it didn't for nearly 3 years.

And when it did _finally_ ring, and Steve had nearly tripped over the conveniently far placed away coffee table while rushing into the living after helping clear up a local fight and finally hearing the ringtone echo in the room, it was Bruce.

And it was about a potential world-ending fight.

Sighing gently at his regrets, he quietly slipped into the room and gently closed the door behind him, letting the moonlight fill the room as it shone dimly through the sheer, drawn curtains.

Then, Steve gently walked towards the right side of the bed, where Tony was sleeping and the window was placed. And as he reached the foot of the bed, he watched as Tony's face came into view, only closed eyes and nose sticking out of the blanket as the rest covered his mouth.

It was dark, the light only illuminating the darkness slightly, but Steve's enhanced vision could pick up all the details on Tony's face, like the wayward curl of hair which had managed to fall down onto his face while he slept, unknowing.

He smiled.

He knew Tony loved pulling the blankets all the way up when they were-…

-When they were close….He knew that Tony loved to watch the stars before he slept. It was some sort of a habit that he had created. He also loved stars and the night sky, but when Steve used to watch him, he saw Tony having a completely different relationship. Steve had watched many times as Tony simply slept after watching the stars for a few minutes.

Quietly sleeping for a few hours.

Not completely peacefully.

He remembered the sudden screams that he used to hear from Tony's room when he was on the other side of the wall in his room. He remembered how every night he and Bruce had to rush and tell Tony that he was safe before anything else happened. That he wasn't trapped anymore. That his arc reactor was still there.

That he wasn't _alone._

He remembered how every morning Tony would not remember if something had happened, and how he and Bruce would try to suppress their increasing concerns.

Yet even despite all that, after all the trauma and the nightmares, Steve loved watching Tony sleep. It reminded a sort of brotherhood he never had. A friendship he wished he never broke. Something _even_ ** _more_** that he could have kept.

Until he broke it with the accords.

They were getting closer. Best friends.

Even more.

Steve had asked Tony out. And he was surprised when Tony had said yes. They had gone on many dates, binge-watched Netflix together with take-out pizza almost every Wednesday and Saturday night, and had so much fun, Steve just wanted to relive every single day he had with him.

Tony had learnt to trust him and open up, and so had Steve. They had fights, many arguments, but all of them got resolved quickly, mostly by Steve's inability to look at an angry Tony.

He remembered everything about when they were together.

Their first date. The way Tony slept next to him on Movie nights, and the way Steve would never be able to focus on the movie after that. The way he always hid up any emotions that rose, and the way he tried to always make others happy. The way that he genuinely cared for people, but always disregarded it when they mentioned it. The way his eyes lit up when he laughed rarely, and the genuine kindness that he hid away from the world.

He also saw the negativity in him.

The hurt. The fear. The broken person inside the facade that he had created. Steve had learnt to see that, and not only look at the surface. And so, he remembered how he had tried to lift Tony's mood up all the time. How he had tried to create a night for them to just spend alone, talking about everything in his mind, because Tony needed a break from his thoughts quite often. He always overthought everything and Steve helped him to catch a few hours without thinking-….

-But that changed.

That all changed after the accords. After _Bucky_ ….

And now….

Now he was standing next to one of his most favourite people while he was sleeping, and he couldn't even hug him while he slept like he used to. He couldn't push the curl back into Tony's hairline. He couldn't push down the blanket to Tony's chest because he always found it irritating. There was now an invisible barrier separating him from the person who he used to love so much.

And the person who opened himself up to trust him genuinely.

Steve's thoughts got interrupted when he noticed that one part of Tony's face was lighter than the other. Like it was shining. For a second he thought something was happening. Something wrong.

And then he realised that the bathroom light was still on.

He turned around, his suit somehow silently swishing in the air as he shook his head in humour. He always thought the worst of everything. He walked towards the door and opened it to switch off the light, which was placed inside the bathroom to avoid any pranks.

Clearly King T'Challa had some pranks previously pulled on him.

But as soon as he pushed open the door….he gasped at what he saw inside.

Glass was everywhere.

In the sink, on the floor, in the bathtub. Small tiny shards glimmered in the lights as they shone on the various places they were. And when he looked up, he saw the broken mirror, dark cement filling up the gaps of the mirror which had broken.

He saw his disjointed reflection in the mirror, staring back at him like some demon in a horror movie.

Steve's eyes flew wide when he realised what that meant.

Tony could be hurt.

Turning around that quick that he felt his hand cut against the doorknob and ignoring it, he rushed over to Tony's side, sliding to his knees gently as he now was plastered against the glass wall windows which were on Tony's right hand side.

Steve's hand instinctually reached out to examine Tony's face for any hurt-

But his thinking kicked in and he pulled his hand back halfway. Tony didn't trust him anymore. He couldn't do this. Tony would get angry. Steve never liked it when he got angry. No matter what the team thought.

And so Steve kneeled there for a few seconds, eyes simply wide in concern but hesitation as he wanted to help but didn't know how to. He simply froze there, arms halfway outstretched as he watched Tony breathing silently, eyes closed as he lay asleep. He clearly didn't have any nightmares yet.

Suddenly, Steve understood what to do.

Bruce.

Bruce would know what to do.

Tony trusted Bruce. Bruce trusted Tony.

Standing up and gently walking out the door, he rushed out the door and into the hallway before asking the A.I computer to call Bruce. Then, he walked back inside and leaned against the wall as he waited for Bruce to get to Tony. Sighing, but happy to see that Tony was fine, he looked at the other man's blanket covered back and let himself dive into his thoughts again.

He didn't know why he had walked outside. It had just happened by instinct. He knew how lightly Tony slept. Tony would normally wake up because of Steve shifting around, and so later on in their relationship, Steve had gotten used to holding him tight while sleeping.

Mainly because whenever Tony would have a nightmare, he could make sure that Tony wouldn't be able to do anything, and Steve could easily comfort him and bring him back to reality. There had been a few incidences in the past, where Tony had done some… _scary things_ …while thinking he was in his nightmare. But also because Tony found it comfortable.

Steve understood why.

When you have problems like PTSD and anxiety, you have to go through everything alone, and it gets scary. And being alone with those problems really changes your personality and character. It makes you think things that aren't really there, and makes you feel lonely. And so when Tony needed someone to be there for him, although he never admitted it but was pretty grateful for, Steve happily obliged.

And yet-….

….-when Tony had needed him, in the Accords, he wasn't there. Even though he had promised he always would be.

And so, there was Steve.

Leaning against the wall, staring at the sleeping genius with sad eyes, wanting… _wishing…._ to be able to turn back time and trying to make everything alright again. Yes, Bucky was one of his best friends and practically his older brother, but Tony….

Tony was so much more.

He had given Tony up. He would never be able to get him back.

And yes, Bucky didn't deserve what had happened to him, and Steve would never take back what he did to help him…..But Tony didn't deserve to be betrayed either, not like that…

…And especially not by _him_ …..

Steve was about to go down memory lane again, just when the door creaked open hurriedly, and Bruce walked in, looking concerned but carrying a first-aid kit with him. Pushing his thoughts aside and slightly shaking his head, he tuned in to what the man was saying.

"-rry it took 5 minutes. what's wrong?" he whispered out when he noticed that Tony was asleep. Steve replied in a hurry, suddenly the fact that something could be wrong dawning upon him, "I don't know. I found the mirror in the bathroom broken and there's glass everywhere. I think he could be hurt".

Bruce hesitated for a moment as he took a deep breath but then started to walk towards Tony's side, Steve walking towards the door, knowing that Tony was in good hands.

Tony wouldn't want him inside. He wouldn't want to even talk to him, not after Siberi-

He opened the door slightly and turned back to watch as Bruce gently pulled the blankets down, and using his phone light, started to examine for any cuts anywhere. Finding that he was hesitating, Steve walked outside, not wanting to intrude on any thoughts.

Steve closed the door gently behind him, standing now in the brightly sun-light hallway, the door right behind his back as he leaned back on it for a second, taking a deep breath as he started to walk away.

He felt bad for leaving.

For not being able to help. Not _then_ and not now. Then he realised he _could_ have helped then, but _couldn't_ help now. So he decided to head back to the living room, where the rest of the team were probably sitting quietly, thinking about what had happened.

He could too.

But just before he planted his right foot in front, he heard a sudden shout through the wooden door. Steve froze in his tracks as he realised what that was, the voice taking only a bare second to recognise.

Tony was having a nightmare again.

Eyes wide open, he turned around and instantly reached his hand out to open the door befor-…..he pulled it back. He couldn't go in.

Tony wouldn't want him in the room, after he had left him in Siberia, in his non-functioning suit, probably freezing from the inside and out with bruises and injuries from two super-soldiers probably burning like hell, while he had walked away supporting the man who had killed _his parents,_ not even looking back once to register that Tony used to be much _more_ than Bucky.

Concerned, yet wanting to respect his privacy, he gently stood against the door, listening to the conversations inside.

And what he heard made his eyes drop down to the floor:

 ** _"-NO PETER!"_**

 ** _"HEY hey, it's okay. It's going to be fin-"_**

 ** _"NO it's not! He's gone…..Pete-Peter's gone….It's all my fault….I should have been there….I shouldn-..-n't have let him get on the ship….May would be-…."_**

 ** _"You couldn't have done anything. He would have found a way inside anyways-…"_**

 ** _"-BUT I COULD HAVE….I could have done something….I should have-…He's gone…."_**

 ** _"-It's okay…calm down…He's gone, but we aren't…Okay? We're here….I'm here.…Just relax…Everything will be fine…Now, I'm going to check for injuries, oka-"_**

 ** _"-It's-…..-it's just my hands…"_**

Silence came from the room, which Steve presumed was Tony showing his hands. And so he stood there, waiting for the next response, pressing his ear to the door to hear the conversation better. It took a few seconds, but the voices came from the door again.

 _" **Tony…You can talk to us, you know? You're not alone…I don't know what happened while I wasn't here, and clearly I missed on a lot, and I know that you got hurt by them….but I know that you can always trust us…You're not the only one fighting….You don't have to do this**_ **alone _…."_**

Silence for a second.

 ** _"…..You know, I wish I could believe that, Bruce…I really do…."_**

 ** _"…..Ok, let's put that thought aside for a minute. What happened to your hands?"_**

 ** _"I…I punched the mirror…"_**

Steve's eyes closed as he understood exactly what the genius was thinking when he punched the mirror. Tony hated himself for what happened. He was regretting his mistakes, like Steve was too. The voices started to talk again.

 ** _"…Tony….Why would you do that?…."_**

Silence for nearly a minute, as clearly Bruce gave him time to phrase his sentence.

 ** _"-I just got reall-…I didn't like how I looked…"_**

The voice dipped so low with pain and sadness, Steve couldn't even make out the phrase at first until he got the context.

 ** _"…So you punched the mirror? That doesn't mean you can punch glass…It's fine, okay? Just don't do it again. So let's clean up your hands?…"_**

Silence.

The low voice which spoke suddenly became softer, barely audible.

 ** _"Thank you….for helpin-"_**

 ** _"-No, don't thank me. Thank yourself that you didn't do anything crazier than punching your reflection because you thought you looked bad…"_**

A small, genuine, but very tired laugh.

 ** _"Did you take your medication?"_**

 ** _"…..Well-"_**

 ** _"-Tony, you know that you need to-"_**

 ** _"Ok fine…See! Here, done. No mother henning now?"_**

 ** _"Not for today at-least. Now to more important matters. Go to sleep, Tony, we'll be here…"_**

 ** _"Thanks MOM…"_**

A chuckle before silence filled the room.

Steve stood there for a few minutes before he pulled back, trying to bring all the thoughts together. Tony was hurting, and he wanted to help. But he couldn't, and plus, he was also really tired. Bruce would probably walk out anytime now, and he would look like a intruder. So he decided to move back to the living room, but found that he couldn't.

His mind betrayed his goals as he simply stood there, his feet and hands not even trying to move.

He needed to make sure Tony was okay. That he would be fine.

So gently walking to the wall on the right side of the door, he slid down, legs spread halfway way out across the medium-sized hallway and arms crossed as he slept, not letting anything happen to Tony again.

* * *

 **A/N**

Cheesy? Too Cheesy?

I knew it, shouldn't have done that. This was the hardest chapter to write so far.

1\. Because I don't know how STONY works (or like it that much to be honest, but hey, the only way to see if you like something is to try so...)

2\. Because it's a _**really**_ long chapter.

ANYWAYS...Hope you liked the chapter, because honestly, it took a lot of research, time and effort to show it to you guys.

So let me know whether I actually did a good job and whether I should continue with STONY or not in the reviews section :)

 _ **Don't forget to review and follow for updates :)**_

Wandervibes28


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N**

 **Hey guys!**

Sorry for not posting, starting school's a real pain.

Anyways, here's the next chapter. I finished it in a rush and it may not be very good.

But I promise the next chapter will be better.

As always, _**please review and hope you like the story so far**_! :)

Wandervibes28

 **P.S** If any reader has read my stories but REALLY wants to unfollow me due to my alert chapters, _**PLEASE PLEASE**_ do. It's better for all of us. You have my blessing :)

 **P.P.S** To all my true readers who support me, thank you. I promise I'll finish every story I started. May take a while, but it will be taken care of.

* * *

"Don't worry about it. I'm sure he-…-I think-….-it will be fine…" Bruce tried his hand at comforting to the blonde man next to him who was obsessing about the previous night's events, yet not trying to speak for Tony.

"No Bruce. I messed up really bad…I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I can…" Steve replied, head down as he continued making the batter, some of it spilling onto the island counter as he continued mixing it together until the batter became a thick consistency. Then, he moved it into a sleek, grey metallic cooking pan, while switching on the induction to start making the first pancakes.

The black circles glowed up into a flaming red and he gingerly put the pan onto the stove, watching the pancake batter form into a circular shape as his mind started to wander.

Steve had woken up the next day in the hallway and had realised that he had probably over-intruded Tony's stay in Wakanda. As in, way over the line, considering the fact that they hadn't talked since over 3 years and there was a _very_ strong reason for it.

And so he had gotten up and decided to distract himself and his thoughts.

Mostly _ **his thoughts.**_

After finishing helping T'Challa clear up some more local fights that had erupted early in the morning, which hadn't been very bad, he randomly yet not at the same time, eventually reached the kitchen.

He had nearly wandered off to the living room to sit in guilt with the rest of the team until his stomach had suddenly growled as if it was trying to present it's presence as he had passed by the kitchen. And so he had shifted his trajectory from the living room to the kitchen.

Also, he always cooked to take his mind off things. That and the gym.

Cooking was _easier_.

He had decided to make pancakes, because he knew how to make them easily, and also because knowing that Tony would _eventually_ wake up sometime, and the solider knew that Tony always wouldn't mind eating pancakes.

Hopefully.

Well, at-least he knew from past experiences. He hoped he was right this time.

Plus, he needed to find a way to solve this.

Because he couldn't see Tony cry again. God no, he couldn't.

Eventually Bruce had walked in, probably wondering about his absence from the living room as the super solider would have normally reached there at 8 am sharp, but when upon realising that the solider had taken the time to make breakfast, he had decided to accompany him.

Plus the doctor would get food too, and that was a benefit. He probably would have come to get coffee too.

Like how Tony used to do.

Bruce and Tony were the only two in the tower who drank coffee to keep their minds fuelled in the nights. Well, mostly Tony, as Bruce only indulged occasionally in the exuberant beverage, preferring the calming effect of some herbal tea rather than the buzz of caffeine.

However, Tony had never minded.

That man practically _**r** **an**_ on coffee. If he had to be described in an equation, he would have one symbol for coffee, as stated by the genius himself. Steve and Bruce had taken a lot of coaxing to get the mechanic to actually eat something for breakfast rather than relying on nothing substantial.

But of course, with the proviso that coffee _counted_ as one of the substantial things that he could have for breakfast.

They had agreed.

After all, Tony usually never helped to meet _'in the middle'_.

Steve shook his head out of his thoughts when his eyes finally recognised the overflowing of the batter onto the floor of the marble kitchen island.

"How can I fix it Bruce?" the captain asked as he flipped the pancake, the brown side revealing it's beautiful baked goodness as it sizzled in the pan, leaving behind an aroma of vanilla. Then he shifted towards the island, starting to clean the mess that he had conveniently made on the very costly counter top.

T'Challa's home was almost like Tony's tower. Costly. Extravagant, and pretty much just a lot of money in ordinary things.

Yet, somehow it reminded him of…. ** _home_** …

But yet hadn't since the last 3 years, until **_now_** …..

…..for some weird reason.

Steve hadn't been able to sleep, probably some memories striking him, and so he had watched news on the TV practically until morning. His everyday routine involved waking up, eating food, doing work, sitting in silence and companionship with the team, and sleeping.

Yet not sleeping, as he never could. It just wasn't…. ** _home_** …

Especially not from **_yesterday_**.

He couldn't keep the memory from replaying in his mind all night. The anger and betrayal he saw in Tony's eyes before he got socked in the face. He tried to come up with ways to solve it while making breakfast, but couldn't.

He couldn't take back what he'd done. He just wished Tony knew _why_ he did.

The easiest way to solve this, his mind said, was by simply talking to the genius himself and figuring it out.

But that rose a number of problems.

 _One_ , Tony wouldn't talk to him. For sure. Without arguing at-least.

And _Two_ , Tony hadn't yet woken up, at nearly noon.

But they didn't blame him. The genius would probably be exhausted, hurting and probably would be regretting his actions by now. He had been through so much, nobody disturbed him, letting Tony sleep peacefully in his assigned guest room.

"I'm not good at helping with…social issues. You know that Steve…." Bruce tried to explain, his voice trailing off for a second as Steve flipped the pancake to it's original side, and when finding it was ready, he pulled out a black serving tray and stacked the first pancake onto the plate before moving onto putting the next batter.

"….But I think it will be okay….You probably may take time to bond again, I guess, but you both have been great friends for years, so I think you could start talking again….just don't hurt him like that again, I guess-..-sounded like it was pretty rough for him…" he finished off, not really sure whether what he was saying was right, but trying to comfort the man anyways.

Steve only nodded, knowing that he wouldn't know the answer anytime soon, and instead proceeded to start asking another question as he finished placing the fourth pancake onto the serving tray.

"Do you thi-…"

That was until footsteps were heard in the hallway.

Gradually getting louder.

Soft yet echoing in the whole room, vibrating the air around them to a silence as both Steve and Bruce froze in their tracks for a split second.

Steve's question trailed off, the gentle thuds replacing the ending as he quickly turned around, quickly finishing off the pancake batter and turning as he waited for the person to turn the corner.

Because he knew who it was.

 ** _Tony._**

It had to be. Steve's enhanced hearing could figure out who it was depending on size of a shadow and the echo of the footstep, and usually his hearing was right.

It was Tony.

It had to be.

Steve felt hope rise in him. He finally could talk and figure it all out.

Until he realised, the situation that they had now. They hadn't talked to each other since 3 years, and the last time they had scene each other properly, Tony had proceeded to punch him in the face with tears in his eyes, while not saying a single word.

 ** _Thud. Thud. Thud._**

He knew he should have turned around, continued making the pancakes instead of waiting for the genius to turn the corner and glare when they made accidental eye contact.

 ** _Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud._**

He knew he should have given the man some privacy. Knowing that he had already crossed the line way over yesterday. He knew he should have turned before Tony turned the corner.

Yet Steve didn't turn. He stayed.

For some reason, he didn't move. _**Couldn't** _move.

And he waited. Waited for-

 ** _Thud. Thud-…._**

Silence filled the room for a second, as Tony emerged from the corner, stepping out gingerly from the shadows as he squinted his eyes before widening them up to the normal size, gently rolling to a halt as he slowly stopped at the corner, standing just a few inches away from the contrasting cream coloured wall.

Steve just stared.

The genius was wearing a simple white top, covered by a black jacket, courtesy of Bruce and him carrying Tony's extra change bag from Asgard when he wasn't there, and simple black pants, the arc reactor's blue shining through dimly through the cotton. His hear was disheveled yet somehow not, and his eyes were a light brown from the sunlight, which was filtering through the humongous overhead windows to light up Tony's face ever so slightly, reminding him of every single breakfast morning they had as a team together in the past. The bandage clearly was shown in Tony's figure as it protruded out gently, the mechanic ever so slightly cradling it with his left hand, fingertips trailing gently over the area, presumably to comfort the constant pain which would probably be affecting the area for quite some time.

Steve watched, not knowing what to do or say as Tony simply stood there for a few seconds, staring at Bruce, eyes in their normal state and blinking….

…but not at _Steve_ ….

And so he waited, waited until the genius would stare at him, although in pain and betrayal and hurt, but still _recognise_ that he was there.

But the moment never came.

Tony simply shook his head like as if trying to get rid of some vivid thought, blinked a few times, and then shifted his feet suddenly to start walking towards Bruce, completely ignoring Steve, as the super-solider and doctor were left to understand his actions.

Steve, standing at the left side of the sunlit kitchen island table, watched quietly as Tony stalked over to the right hand side of the table, grabbed a stool, and sat down.

 _Silently._

With no _**words.**_

That wasn't possible. Steve didn't know that was possible.

Tony normally was always talking during the morning. Even though his coffee deprived-ness would cause him to slur sometimes, he would still talk.

The rest of them would usually have to shut him up by handing him food or coffee to get even a moment's peace during breakfast time, as normally the genius would mumble on about his creations or rant about movie's that they watched during movie nights, never letting a moment of silence fill the kitchen table.

He had never appreciated it. Not until _**now.**_

And for a flash second, he wanted it back.

The constant chattering of the team. The whirring and sizzling of the pans as they cooked meals as a team. The companionship of laughter as they all enjoyed their breakfasts together as a **_family_** before parting off into their various jobs and duties.

Tony was always babbling about things. But then again, this wasn't an ' _always'_ situations.

The avengers were gone.

They had left.

Only Tony was left **_there_** _._

He hadn't realised until now, but only Tony was left in the so called 'Avengers'. That meant he was the only one to blame for any of the Avengers shortcomings.

The anger. The pain.

The **_blame_**.

Steve's frown returned, and the doctor noticed it before turning his attention to Tony.

Bruce, clearly not knowing what to do, yet somehow did, as he shoved the genius a plate of pancakes, topped with whipped cream and maple syrup, before turning around for a second and handing him a black cup, presumably filled with coffee, not uttering a single word for some reason, instead choosing to let silence engulf the whole room.

And with the small smile that Tony returned, Steve was sure it was coffee.

Then, he watched, as Tony accepted the food gently, picked up his utensils, and started eating slowly, not looking up from his food even once to look at him. Be angry at him. To even scream out insults at him.

He just continued eating, and Steve didn't know what to do, and looked up at the doctor, trying to figure out what to do. But the confused look he got back from the doctor's eyes, he understood that clearly Bruce didn't either, not knowing what to do after the team had broken up, as he wasn't there during the whole Accords drama.

He could start to talk, but clearly Tony was mad at him and ignoring him for a reason.

Instead, he simply looked away.

Steve decided he should reach out, talk. Do something.

Make a start.

He pulled in a deep breath, focused on his posture, lifted his head up, and then started to reach out to Tony, right hand extending to try and grab the attention of the genius by tapping gently on the shoulder.

That was until he smelt something burning.

 _SHIT._ He cursed internally as he turned around to the stove, to see black wisps of smoke expanding from the burning pancake, his chance at talking to Tony being disturbed by his stupid forgetting brain.

Not hesitating to risk the health of others, he had already turned around, his back towards Tony as he quickly jogged towards the countertop.

He had to finish quickly, Tony would be done anytime soon and he needed to talk to him. Reaching up slightly, he switched on the exhaust and slowly put the pancake in the trash bin and the pan into the dishwasher as the burning smell faded away from the kitchen.

Only to be replaced by the screech of a chair being dragged back.

Steve's head turned around as he watched Tony get up, push the chair back in, finish whatever coffee was left in the cup, smiled at Bruce as a 'Thank you', before turning around and walking back towards the hallway which he had approached from.

Tony was going away. Back to his room.

Away from _him_.

He didn't know what to do.

Steve stood there, stuck between two walls as he tried to reach out but at the same time, watched as Tony slip away from him again.

And before he knew it, before he knew what he was doing, he had quickly shoved the pan inside the dishwasher, closed it, set it on and-

-He had _**acted**_.

"Tony…." his voice boomed in the room, breaking the utter silence which had seemed to cast a spell on all of the people in it. The sound lingering in the air for a second before fading away into the quietness.

He watched, in utter relief, as Tony stopped in his tracks. Not turning around, not looking back. But _acknowledging_ that he was there.

 ** _Knowing_** he had something he wanted to say, and **_wanting_** to hear it from him.

Steve sucked in a deep breath, he knew this was his chance.

This was his chance to fix things. His chance to explain what happened, why he had done what he had. What he had never meant to do. What promise he had broken and god, how much he wished he hadn't…

This was his chance.

And so, he spoke.

"I know you're hurt, and I know how much you must hate me right now, and I'm not here to apologise…..You deserve to hate me. I deserve it too. I jus-….I just needed to do what was right. I should have signed. I would have. But Bucky…I couldn't let him down. He didn't deserve it-" he started, before being interrupted-

"-And I did?" -A voice suddenly echoed back, cutting Steve's question in half and throwing him for a loop.

There was a long pause in which Steve opened and closed his mouth, trying to find a response, but failing nevertheless, before it was broken by Steve and Bruce sadly watching Tony turn around, a look of pure hurt and disgust on his face.

And as he turned around in the kitchen, the overhead windows suddenly giving complete view to his face, Steve felt Tony's _pain_.

Tony had dark bags under his eyes, cuts and bruises littering his face. It seemed like as if somebody had hurled a bus at him. Maybe something bigger. His eyes reflected so many feelings, Steve even couldn't think anymore, couldn't come up with an answer in return. He simply stared:

 _Anger, Pain, Lonely, Tired, Hurt, Terrified_ ….

And by the seem of pure devastation, Steve knew Tony had lost someone.

Someone close to him. Someone he didn't ever want to los-

 **Peter.**

The name clicked as realisation kicked in.

 ** _Peter._**

The Spider-kid. He had heard about Tony's nightmare in the night.

….

Peter had **_died_**.

….

And apparently Tony was there to see it.

Steve wanted to tell him he was sorry. Tony had lost so much already, his parents, his team, and now, his fiancee and Peter?…..He just wanted everything back to how it was. When Tony was happy and blabbering and annoying but _happy_ and just _safe_ , without any problems and just at _home_. With **_Steve_**.

And suddenly Steve's mind faded back into reality as his eyes took in the man in front of him. Tony looked like he was going to leave, and the solider suddenly felt the need to do something as he tried to explain.

"Tony, I-" he started but got cut off again.

"I deserved…to be thrown away? Because I'm clearly not human enough to be wanted?"

 _ **Silence.**_

He continued to stare, but the pain his eyes gave way to anger, the softness that was there, replaced by a cold glare, sending Steve's thoughts in a spiral as he tried to come up with an answer, but the…. _hurt_ ….in Tony's eyes…rendering his mind incapable of thought as he just stared back.

"I deserved to try and fix every situation which happened, in the last three years you were gone, by myself? To get all the blame on me because there's no one else left to blame?"

 _ **Silence.**_

He walked closer, his steps slow but clearly heavy with pain and guilt and just….tired.

"I deserve to be left alone by my _team_ …..my _f_ ** _amily_**? To be goddamned betrayed by everyone I ever trusted… _learnt_ to trust?"

 _ **Silence.**_

Blue eyes drifted down, as Steve's gaze went to his shoes, not being able to stand looking back at Tony's glare, because he was _right_ ….

He stopped in his tracks, feet slowly rolling to a stop, quietness ringing in their ears as his voice faded away into the distance.

"….Did I deserve to be lied to about my own parents death and to not be able to speak about the nightmares that I have, because every single time I get them, I see _**YOU**_ guys dy-" The loud voice cut off, replaced by a deep intake of breath and closing eyes, before opening again.

 _ **Silence.**_

The silence somehow finishing the sentence as Steve looked up from his gaze at his shoes, staring back into brown eyes with utter hopelessness and pure shock and guilt as he glared back.

That was what Tony saw each night?

 _Those_ were the nightmares?

 ** _They_** were the nightmares?

God, he saw **_them_** dying every single night….?

If Steve had just known. God, if he had just been able to understand what Tony was going through….he wouldn't have to go through it _alone_.

"…..Did I deserve to be hated by the world…just because I'm trying to fix the mess which you left? For trying to _help_?"

 _ **Silence.**_

Their gaze didn't falter once, two pairs of eyes staring at each other. One blue, one brown. One shocked, one _hurt_.

"…Because if I did, then you don't need to apologise. I deserved it."

Footsteps.

Steve watched with anguish in his eyes as Tony turned around, his stone-cold glare breaking, not once looking back with regards to hearing **_his_** side of the story, and left as quickly as the sound disintegrated into the dead air.

…..

 _ **Silence.**_

* * *

 **A/N**

Please tell me some of you noticed my reference to 'Infinity War'. ( **Note:** It's hidden. Well, kind of.) ;)

This chapter's main plot was suggested by one of my friends, and I personally thought it was a great idea, so I implemented it into the main storyline.

And also for all the Captain America fans, Steve will also have his feelings acknowledged by someone (or some people?) in few of the next upcoming chapters. (Even though I don't like him very much, he deserves to rant out too. Dw, I'm not one of the aggressively-defensive-about-Tony stans xD)

Anyways, _**hope you liked the story and** **please review**_!

Oh and did anyone find any mistakes? If you did, please let me know! I want to try and make my writing as correct as possible :)

Wandervibes28


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N**

 **Hey guys,**

I'm sorry for not posting in a while. Apparently school assigns a lot of hurdles that you need to jump over (Literally and metaphorically).

Anyways, some important news had arrived:

 **I'M A SAP FOR DRAMA AND I'VE DECIDED TO POST HALF OF A REALLY LONG CHAPTER ABOUT TONY AND HIS LIFE-LONG PROBLEMS.**

I'm still thinking and writing this out because it's really crucial for the upcoming chapters and for the story itself. (Or shall I say _**stories?...XD**_ _)_

So besides that, I've put a lot of effort into this chapter so _**don't forget to REVIEW and hope you like the story!**_

Wandervibes28

* * *

The silence was _un-nerving_.

Yet he understood why they all came here to sit in the complete absence of noise, the room echoing with only the sound of nothing. Nothing but the absolute darkness of the night shadowing the fields, which he could see through the windows, to keep them company.

He really didn't know why he had done it before. Well, not at _night_ at-least. He'd met up with the team many times during the days after the war.

After their ** _losses_**.

To try and comfort each other with whatever comfort they had left to provide.

It really helped clear his thoughts. Calm him down. Made him forget about his problems and the rest of his world. He wondered why he hadn't done it before.

And then he remembered why.

Sitting on the far left-hand side of the central couch, facing directly towards the immense T.V and larger-than-actually-needed coffee table, Steve didn't say a word, instead letting himself listen to the soft breathing of his remaining teammates sitting in various places in the den.

It had been nearly 7:00 pm.

 ** _Movie night._**

Well, in the past they had movie nights at 7 pm on every single Friday of the month.

But Friday was movie night.

They nearly hadn't even bothered to meet up, all of them wallowing in their own sadness and hiding their grieving in their own way before Bruce suddenly had the idea to bring it back. Probably because it was the closest time he remembered when they were less of a team and more of a _family_. Or maybe because he was confused and was missing the past like they all had been doing for the last 3 years.

Nevertheless, it was back, and over about a period of 3 hours the team slowly filled up the room, ready for just one night of companionship before everything slowed down again and everyone was on their own.

Natasha had reached first, claiming the armchair on the left side of the coffee table, but Steve knew that was because she loved the den anyways. He remembered how many times in the night back in the tower, he would wander from the kitchen to the den, only to find her sitting silently in the dark, not uttering a single thought. Stuck inside her thoughts.

And it seemed that her habit never changed.

They had tried to re-create a movie night experience when everyone was there, and it worked to some extent, but it became more of a 'friend's' night, when everyone came together to talk about things.

Until of course…it _wasn't_ there anymore.

But on a Friday when everyone was supposed to be doing their own things, Steve had walked into the den to find Natasha sitting silently, thinking about something far away from reality.

Steve had decided to leave her be, and watched news on his laptop like how T'Challa had showed him to in the years that he hid in exile.

He knew she would be there first, and so she was, sitting there diligently quiet at 4 pm in a black top and sweatpants, her blonde hair contrasting against the complete darkness of her attire, waiting for some sort of change to fill the room.

Then Steve knew that about 5 pm who was would in. It was their asdgardian named Thor.

Thor had created a sort of tradition to mourn with others about his bad luck, and the loss of his family. He would try and sit with anyone else who was grieving, to provide and receive comfort, and wouldn't say a thing, instead simply munching sadly on Pop-tarts, offering them at times if he found anyone looked a tad-bit tired. His favourite treats since the Avengers were a team.

Probably because he understood their pain.

Mostly because he was lonely and needed the comfort of a sort of dysfunctional, yet trustable **_family_**. Well, until of course, they weren't.

T'Challa always had some stock of Pop Tarts hidden everywhere. He clearly had done his work. And clearly had understood Thor and his way of thinking.

Slowly walking around to the front of the coffee table, right up to the T.V, his eyes practically a reflection of the movie screen itself, he sat down and slowly munched on his favourite treats in hope of trying to salvage some calm in the hectic atmosphere that had set upon the world.

At about 6 pm, Steve had walked in.

Knowing who he would found inside and remembering their mental seating plan for movie night, he walked over to the central couch, bang in front of the T.V, where he would sit on the far left side. And so he did.

Walking over to his assigned seat, he sat-… _sank_ down on his seat as he relaxed into the dark brown leather which king T'Challa had so nicely provided for them. Only then did he realise that the den they were in looked a lot like their old den in-

…-in the Avengers tower.

When they were a **_team_** …

He shook the thought of out his head as he tried to relax a bit more into the pillows behind him, while knowing that he won't ever be able to relax after what had happened. What _was_ happening.

He knew they needed time to heal, and so, maybe this was a way to heal…. _t_ ** _ogether_** ….They needed it.

And frankly, so did he.

So he sat down in silence, listening to the breathing his teammates and sharing their pain in the melancholy that had set upon the room.

Nearly 30 minutes passed by when Bruce entered the room hesitantly at 6:30 pm, eyes scanning the room carefully as his arms wrapped around himself in a defensive position.

He walked into the den, noticing all the looks upon him, simply nodded silent greetings to all of his _previous_ fellow family and team members and closed his eyes trying to remember his position. It had been a long time before bringing back the tradition.

Upon realising, he opened his eyes and quickly walked over to the right side of the coffee table where he normally sat, and settled into the very plush, black carpet which softened the reflecting light from the ground. He breathed in deeply, and sighed out loud, trying to loosen his constantly tense muscles to relax for just 2 hours. And so he tried for 10 minutes. But when nothing happened, he simply sighed again and left it as it was.

He focused his attention elsewhere. To the past, in this case.

Bruce would always sit down during movie night, on the right of Thor who was placed right in front of the coffee table, against the T.V, and towards the upper-right of the den, as he was the perfect size to lean back against the right-hand side couch and watch the movie without having the need to constantly shift positions.

The scientist always had a need for eating something while watching a movie, and so he watched as Thor, who probably had realised the same thing, extended out his right arm towards the quietly observing brunette, offering the strawberry pop-tarts box which he held previously yet graciously in his fist.

Bruce smiled as he simply opened the lid and picked one out, nodding his thanks to the god before settling back into his seat, the god simply giving a small smile before focusing back onto the movie that was suddenly playing on the screen.

Steve's confusion was wiped out as Natasha placed the remote on the left-hand side coffee table and nestled back into her nest, eyes fixated on the spy movie that was currently playing in front of them.

He chuckled softly to himself. Partly because of Natasha's apt movie choice, but also because he remembered something.

He had vowed never to compare anything that happened now to the past. Not to anyone in particular, but to himself as a person. He knew he needed to get rid of his thoughts of the team if he was going to go against them in the Ross Accord-

-It was his way to letting go. His way of coping with what had happened. What was going on right _now_.

But yet….

….It seemed….that it _wasn't…._

His way of coping wasn't by not comparing….It was **_by_** comparing.

He felt safe when he thought about home. The Avengers tower. When everything was the way it supposed to be for 7 years of his life. He felt at _home_ ….whenever he thought about the team. About how they _used_ to be….about what they **_could_** have been….

Until he focuses back into reality with the constant background noise of the T.V and the soft clashing of their eyelashes and he felt a weird feeling in his stomach like as if he didn't belong where he was now-

-Suddenly something appeared from the right side of his vision, and he watched as all the team members titled their heads to the right almost in a synchronised fashion to observe something that had come into the room.

Or a person who had walked into the room.

And upon realising that it was 7 pm, Steve's eyes widened as his head turned to look at the man who would have undoubtedly walked into the room with grace, power and fury.

Blue eyes slowly blinked as his eyes turned to the right to watch-

-Tony.

 ** _Tony._**

Tony had walked into the room, bandage protruding out from the middle of the shirt and the distinct and familiar glow of the arc reactor filling the whole room in a soft blue, wearing a simple black sweatpants and a black doctor shirt with dark purple sleeves extending from elbows down.

Steve watched with wide hopeful eyes as he didn't acknowledge any of their stares, instead choosing to stop for a minute on the extreme right hand side of the central couch.

Instantly Steve realised, that was where Tony sat.

 _Always_ sat. With _him._

And the memories flew back into his brain:

Even when he wasn't allowed to actually bend down to the couch after getting stabbed by some evil megalomanic, or when he accidentally ended up getting blasted across the room right onto the edge of a table after a bad lab experiment and ended up having to get stitches all through his abdomen and the underside of his right thigh-

-He always sat there. Lied there. Wallowed and fought through whatever pain to be there.

 _Stayed_ there.

Even if it meant practically using Steve as a full-body pillow, he _stayed_ there…with _him…_ with **_Steve_ ….**

He would sit with Steve during every single movie night, not choosing any other spot besides where he was _meant to be._ With **_Steve._** He didn't choose anyone else besides him to comfort him when needed. Steve was grateful, because every Friday he had the chance of comforting his lover, and being comforted by the fact that Tony was still alive and healthy and _with him_.

And so in that brief moment of hesitation, hope ignited in Steve's chest, watching carefully as Tony hesitated for a second, quickly glancing at both his available options while not moving his head even remotely to showcase any emotions.

But Steve saw it. That tiny flicker of 'trying to make things right' as he stopped. He noticed it and he knew exactly was Tony was thinking.

That it could all be _over….done…._ back to how it **_was_** …

…That he missed Steve and god Steve missed him back so much.

And Steve watched with sudden proud in his eyes as Tony walked closer towards him. And in that moment, as the genius took those 2 steps, he knew that their feud was finally over. That Tony was willing to move on, to try and focus on the future rather than the past….and to choose **_Steve_** with a gesture so simple like sitting-

-On the other couch on the right hand side of the coffee table, right next to where Bruce was sitting on the floor?

A silence fell upon the room as each of the avengers looked at each other, Tony, and then at Steve, realising what had happened, and what it meant.

The engineer simply collapsed onto the right-hand side black couch, his arc reactor being the only thing standing out from the darkness that had set upon the room and their lives.

The solider simply watched with big blue eyes as he simultaneously took in deep breaths, not understanding _why_ ….and yet at the same time knowing exactly the reason that lead Tony to doing what he did.

But the moment ended as quickly as it started, with the almost inaudible shuffling of the avengers returning back into their standard 'Movie positions' and continued to watch the rapid scene of images that flashed on the screen, lighting up the room at several parts while plunging them into darkness at the other parts.

And while all the other avengers continued to watch, Steve couldn't.

Could focus on the movie when Tony _wasn't_ sitting next to him like how he was meant to be.

Like how **_it_** was meant to be.

And so he watched silently as the genius simply propped his head up on two dark blue pillows behind his head to keep upright just enough to view the T.V but not as high to strain his neck.

He watched as the hem of his doctor shirt lifted up ever so lightly to be greeted with cold air, and Steve internally itched to fix it back into place as Tony's nose crinkled but his hand didn't move to try and fix one of the things he hated and complained about every single night while half asleep. Steve couldn't help but hate himself for not being able to fix it for him.

Tony's hands wrapped around his arc reactor in a defensive position, effectively blocking any light from escaping into the darkness as Steve's vision of Tony suddenly disappeared into the darkness, his last view of the mechanic showing brown eyes closing in exhaustion.

Steve could understand.

One reason being that Tony always slept during movie night. It was practically his tradition, unless of course Star Wars, Star Trek or any Pixar movie was chosen, which (in that case) the brunette was awake for the whole movie, not moving throughout any of the scenes.

Steve had come to love that about Tony, simply cuddling him whenever he could in the darkness and absence of attention from _his_ genius during their weekly team movie gathering as he finally was able to switch off the thinking and just focus on the movie, and more than happily letting Tony use him as a pillow whenever he slept or was injured.

He missed that. He really did.

And the second reason he'd slept during the brought-back movie was that Tony had worked to the death today.

He had gotten a few more stitches fixed by Bruce before heading up to help Shuri with creating a new design for the Iron man and Black panther suit, trying to come up with some new form of efficient energy by combining various elements. After that, he had helped the Wakandan army with clearing up some riots which had broken out in the town central after they watched members of their family disappear, causing Tony's stitches to rip again during a quite hard fight with a local, resulting in Bruce fixing it for the third time with a more stable material in hopes that it won't rip and he won't have to stick a needle in one of his best friends again.

The genius needed the sleep. He deserved to get some rest. He had already worked harder than any of them had after coming here.

And he felt his emotion rising up again as he realised what he had done and why he did it.

But more importantly, _how_ he did it.

He had a reason, and his reason was valid, no doubt about that.

But if he had done it in another _way_?….

He felt the need to walk up to him. To say he's sorry. To try and get everything back to how it was because he missed Tony more than ever after he'd come to Wakanda. He was glad he was alive, god he couldn't be happier. He just wished they didn't have to re-unite this way.

He just wished Tony didn't had to suffer the way they were because he had been through so much more than they had already, and because he _chose_ this life. He could have chosen not to. He could be at home, relaxing in his ultra-huge mansion and doing whatever he wanted with his money, focusing purely on his own needs and treating himself.

But the fact that he _didn't_ ….was what made him Iron Man. Was what made Steve **_proud_.**

He was a hero.

A hero who didn't deserve this much pain in his life for trying to help everyone. Especially not that much pain from the people he truste-

- ** _"NOOO!"_**

* * *

 ** _Darkness._**

 _There was nothing. It was dark, so dark._

 _Pitch black._

 _Nothing._

 _He didn't know where he was when he got up. He couldn't see anything. Nothing. God he couldn't see anything. He tried waving his hands around, but it didn't help. Nothing did. Nothing._

 _He didn't know what to do, how to get out. He was standing, simply standing in the middle of nothing. He didn't know what to do. How to survive._

 _How to 'cut the wire'._

 _He screamed._

 _And he waited. Waited for the echo to scream back at him. He knew he was somewhere, and somewhere had to scream back at him if he couldn't see._

 _But nothing did._

 _He waited….._

 _Nothing did._

 _He didn't hear anything. He didn't hear_ ** _anything._**

 _He screamed again, shouting for someone to hear something. He continued to scream. To find something, someone screaming back at him._

 _Anything. Something._

 _His screaming slowly morphed into something else._

 _More like pleading-_

 ** _Peter._**

 _Peter was in his arms, dying. Begging to live._

 _He was on Titan, dust settling everywhere around and Peter was slipping away from him again. Peter was in his arms, and he was turning to dust again, and he was pleading for Tony to help. Not for , for_ ** _Tony_**.

 _And Tony couldn't help._

 _He couldn't help. He couldn't help him. He couldn't help_ ** _Peter._** _He couldn't stop death._

 _How could he?_

 _God, he should have. He should have. He should have done something. He should have._

 _And then he was gone, and there was nothing in his hands as he lifted them to his stomach except grey ash being Peter's dust. He didn't wipe it away, he pulled it closer to his chest._

 _That was all left of Peter. All of him._

 _God, all of him. Nothing but dust._

 _Nothing but dust-…._

 _-and blood…._

 _Oh god. That was-_

 ** _Thanos._**

 _Thanos stabbed him and he grabbed onto the purple hands which dug the blade deeper into his abdomen._

 _He should have screamed, done something. But all he could do was think about how he was going to die without doing and saying so many things he had wanted to._

 _God, he wanted to say so many things._

 ** _The purple hands morphed into light-blue light shining on hands._**

 _He wanted to let Peter know he was the best kid he'd known, and he'd deserved to live and be an avenger ever since the beginning._

 _He wanted to let Pepper know how much he loved her and how much he wished he could be with her and let everything fall into place and actually try to be a better husband than he was._

 _He wanted to talk to the team once again, god, just one last time. Let them know how they had changed his life and how he was barely able to get by without them on his side._

 _He wanted to make up with-…-Steve. At-least forgive him for doing what he did._

 _He wanted to, but all he did was stay quiet and internally scream as Thanos pushed him onto a rock and pushed the blade in deeper, not wanting him to have the joy of listening to him scream. He simply gritted his teeth as he pushed the blade deeper in, blood pooling on the ground-_

 _…..-Or pulled something out of him?_

 ** _The face morphed into Obadiah._**

 _He was back there again, the arc reactor being ripped out of his chest, and Obadiah was there again._

 _He was there. Shit, he was there. Obadiah was there._

 _Again. Killing him. Again._

 _Taking him away. Away from Rhodey and Pepper. Taking_ ** _them_** away from **_him_**.

 _And his arc reactor was there. And he was pulling it out. Out of his chest and into the air, lighting the room but sucking the life out of him. And he couldn't breath. He couldn't breath. And Obadiah just laughed. The man who was his best friend, father-figure._

 _Another back-stabbing liar._

 _And he couldn't breath. He couldn't breath._

 _Everything was closing in. He couldn't breath. There was nothing but pain. Nothing but pai-_

 ** _Afghanistan._**

 _He heard them scream. The soldiers. Loud, agonising screams muffled through the walls of the jeep, the ricochet of the bullets and the bombs blasting in the distance keeping him company._

 _The screams didn't stop._

 _Loud, horrible, terrifying screams. The ones which keep you up at night, make you want to wish you were deaf._

 _Pain. Just so much pain._

 _They were dying._

 _Dying for him._

 ** _Soliders_** _._

 _"WE ARE NOT SOLDIERS!"_

 _They would never be them. Never. Oh god, Never._

 _The screams didn't stop. They were there, forever replaying in the background with the bullets and bombs._

 _Loud, agonising screams. Terrifying. In pain._

 _And then the screams became louder and louder, and yet less and less at the same time as the-_

 ** _The screams morphed into his._**

 _He felt them ripping him apart, but he couldn't scream. He couldn't scream. There was something in his mouth, and the pain was too much, and he couldn't see what they were doing to him._

 _All he could feel was an intense pain in his chest and it felt like he couldn't breath. He couldn't breath. He couldn't see-_

 ** _Water._**

 _He was being tortured, his head forced underwater until he ran out of breath. They pulled him back out and in again. Again and again and again. He couldn't breath. By the time they pulled him out for a breath, he choked on all the dirty water which went in his lungs._

 _Suddenly he felt an intense pain which completely ran through his body before disappearing._

 _He was being electrocuted._

 _He couldn't breath. His head spun._

 _A hand came into view and suddenly an intense pain bloomed on the left size of his head and he screamed out in pain._

 _The man had hit him with a wrench._

 _And then he was back in the water._

 _And he couldn't breath. He couldn't breath. He was going to die in a flithy cave in the hands of terrorists, with a freaking hole in his chest because of some sick tortue experiment and he couldn't see Yinsen and he wouldn't be able to say goodbye to Rhodey and Pepper, and if they came looking for him they would get trapped here too and-_

 ** _"NOOO!"_** The voice was shrill in the ringing of his ears, his eyes squinting and widening, trying to adjust to the sudden change in light and sound.

He woke up screaming, breathing heavy as he realised it was just a dream. Slowly waking up properly, he couldn't quite see his surroundings for a second. Pulling himself up from his lying position on the plush couch, he could make it out from past experiences, he realised what had happened and he took deeper, longer breaths.

He was out of it. Out of the nightmare.

He was _safe_. **_Safe_** _….._

 _Was he?_

 _Where was he? God, where was he?_

 _Was he out of it yet? What was happening?_

Everything was blurry as he gulped down quick, deep breaths, trying to figure out where he was, what he was doing, his mind not working with his brain as he squinted his eyes close and tried to rub the images away.

The images that tormented his dreams every night, not letting him sleep because all he saw was them _dyin_ -

He looked ahead, not wanting to think about what he was already thinking about, trying to distract his thoughts by trying to solve questions at hand in a logical fashion. The blurry, moving thing in the distance morphed into a T.V.

So, the den? Okay, he was in Wakanda.

He took in a deep breath, feeling that his heart rate was still erratic and he was probably was starting to hyperventilate and knew that he needed to calm down before he ended up having a panic attack. He didn't know if he had, just really wishing inside that he didn't.

Closing his eyes for a few seconds, he took a deep breath in, before looking around.

And only then did those blurry figures in the distance become clear and morph into-

He had an _audience_.

-The rest of the Avengers. All of them staring at him in some way or another.

His mind wasn't working and he couldn't see their eyes clearly but he could make out the main emotions radiating from their body language. In confusion, pain, empathy, and just overall pity.

 ** _Pity._**

They were all staring at him and then did he realise that what had happened, judging by the sounds still playing from the T.V. and the time on the clock placed right about it as his eyes suddenly widened at the realisation.

He had fallen asleep during Movie Night.…

And he'd had a PTSD flashback.…

Right in front of the rest of the _Avengers_ ….

…-Right after he'd lied to them three years ago that it'd **_stopped_** ….

He quickly glanced at each of them, not looking at them for more than 2 seconds each as he tried to figure out their internal feelings with whatever experience he had built up about reading people, eyes shifting incredibly fast:

Bruce, sitting on the right side of the central couch, turning behind to stare at him, looked at him with pure empathy in his eyes. He understood what he was going through. He felt the pain, and shared it.

Natasha, sitting on the armchair faced directly in front of him, leaning to her right to face him, had fury in her eyes, like as if she was angry at the PTSD flashbacks that he was having or him in general. He couldn't make out.

Thor, sitting right in front of the coffee table, the reflection of the T.V reflecting ever so slightly in his eyes, stared back at him with confusion and fright, like as if he'd seen this type of thing before and hadn't expected it to happen again. Like as if he believed the lie Tony had told them completely and without a single shred of doubt.

And last, his eyes drifted to blue to see pure devastation. Hurt, pain, empathy, fury, sadness, and just longing. He didn't know what but Steve looked like as if he was going to simply just run over to him, but at the same time he looked like he wasn't. He looked stuck. Stuck between two walls.

Tony couldn't handle it.

He had broken the lie. Broken the **_trust_**. Broken the peace of Movie Night.

The atmosphere.

And he was at blame again. The fault. It was **_his fault_**. It was _always_ his goddamned fault for everything.

He should have told them the truth, but now they'd figured it out.

And they would hate him more after what they'd seen.

They'd figured out he was _broken_.

 ** _Broken_**.

He was **_broken_**.

He felt his breathing rising rapidly and felt his heart beat grow erratic again as he started to quickly take in more breaths as quickly as he could to try and get the oxygen back into his brain to make it work better because he clearly wasn't thinking straight-

-and he could hear gunshots in the background and god, he was in Afghanistan again, and he could feel the pain ripping itself through his chest and he was breathing too quickly and yet he couldn't breath at the same time-

-and that was going to make them hate him more because they'd figured out he was broken more than he showed and shit, he was feeling dizzy and he couldn't exactly see everything on the edges anymore, just the team in focus, and he saw them grow tense and stare at him with the slightly panicked yet determined look whenever they saw something go wrong and he suddenly realised what was happening-

-Panic attack.

He was having a panic attack…

In front of the _Avengers…_

And without even noticing himself, in a fraction of a second, it was like time slowed down as he watched each of them slowly look at each other in worry and he knew they were going to take action.

He slowed down his actions, mind thinking things at fast paces.

But he didn't want them to. He wanted to be alone because everything he was doing was wrong and he didn't want them to see that, and god, he just wanted to be alone and not have them deal and watch his bullshit.

And so he did the only thing that seemed logical in that situation.

So fast that he nearly fell of the couch, he sprang on his socked feet and quickly sprinted out of the den and into the nearest room on the left in the hallway, his feet leaving behind heavy echoes in the hallway as he ran away from them.

From the den.

From the _Avengers_.

From **_his mistakes_**.

Running into the darkness and nearly slipping from the smooth carpet that greeted his feet below, he locked the door, found the farthest away corner by the window.

Breathing rapid and erratic, he tucked himself into the shadows as much as he could, trying to focus on the wall behind him, knowing he was in reality, and wrapped his arms around himself.

But he wasn't. He couldn't be.

Because he could hear loud footsteps outside the door, and banging and gunshots and everything wasn't right anymore and he felt himself shaking rapidly from breathing too quickly-

-And then was back in the nightmare again, the images rapidly playing endlessly in his mind as he closed his eyes and slowly rocked himself front and back, trying to get away from this.

 ** _Afghanistan_**. **_Obadiah_**. **_Thanos_**. **_Peter_**. ****

 ** _Yinsen_**. **** ** _Howard_**. **** ** _The Avengers_**. **_Obadiah._**

 ** _Thanos._** ** _Yinsen._** ** _Peter._** ** _Howard._**

 ** _The Avengers._** ** _Afghanistan._** ** _Yinsen._** ** _Peter._**

 ** _Afghanistan._** ** _The Avengers._** ** _Howard._** ** _Obadiah._**

 ** _Thanos._** ** _Peter-_**

-He tried to get away. Get away from all of this.

From **_Afghanistan_**. From **_Obadiah_**. From **_Thanos_**. **_Peter_**. ** _Yinsen_**. ** _Howard_**. ** _The Avengers_**.

From his past.

From **_himself_** _._

And for that, he needed to get out. He needed to get back to reality, to face the situation at hand without any hassled emotions and actions, such as when he had done before during previous situations exactly like this one.

So he did what he had learnt and had been using for the past 6 years of his life as showed to him by Rhodey, when he'd seen him have a PTSD and panic attack combined together and had swore out loud when he realised that he hadn't noticed.

The technique was simple. He could do it. He had done it before. It had worked before. It had worked. It worked. It could work. He had done it before.

He had.

He _could_.

 _Could_ he?

Oh god, could he? _Could_ he do it-

-He breathed in **_slowly,_** held it in for about 4 seconds, and out breathed out **_slowly_**.

In _slowly_. Hold, 1, 2, 3, 4….and out _slowly_.

In _slowly_. Hold, 1, 2, 3, 4….and out-

* * *

 **A/N**

I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feeling or broke them apart into two pieces, because I felt the exact same way while writing this chapter.

Besides, I have _WAYYYY_ more heartbreak and sap coming your way.

And some drama too...

...

...

 **...**

 _ **Which may or may not include someone DYING...**_

In case you haven't realised this by now, I'm set out to bring the tears.

So get ready ;)


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